A Very Long Estrangement: A Lupin III Musical
by IcyKali
Summary: Jigen and Goemon are sick of Lupin always putting Fujiko on a pedestal. One day, they think up a plan to get Lupin to snap out of his annoying behavior. When their plan is put into action, Lupin is shaken to his very core! Can he survive? Oh, and did I mention this is a musical with eleven original songs? Red Jacket-verse.
1. Love is (Not) For Me

A Very Long Estrangement: A Lupin III Musical

_A/N: This fanfiction will be written like any other, but when a song begins, the stage directions will be in italics. Also, the stage directions will be in present tense. The rest of the narrative will be in the usual past tense, though. __I hope you enjoy my little musical! _

Lupin's gang was on summer vacation in Okinawa, on Ishigaki island. They were hidden near the base of Mt. Nosoko, in an underground hideout that was disguised as a culvert. Everyone was there. Except for Fujiko, that is, who had ripped Lupin off a few days prior. She was in disguise and using an assumed name so that she could stay at an expensive hotel.

In the hideout, Lupin was talking on the phone. "What's that, Fuji-cakes? You're sorry? Don't worry, baby, you know I've already forgiven you. Aw, I love you too! Catch ya later!" Lupin hung up and giggled. He turned to his friends to tell them about his conversation, but they were glaring at him.

For once, Jigen did not look relaxed on the couch. He was sitting up straight. "Don't you remember how Fujiko betrayed us?! What has it been, five frickin' minutes?!"

"Lupin, you are being juvenile," said Goemon. He was tapping Zantetsuken slightly too hard. "You are hurting yourself and others."

Lupin tapped his foot impatiently. "This again? You know how I'll respond, guys! This happens every week!"

_ A jaunty little orchestral number, like something out of West Side Story, plays in the background._

LUPIN:

Don't you know my Fujiko

drives me crazy both ways?

It may be cliché, but I can see,

oh yeah, love is for me!

Hot or cold, black or white,

when it comes down to it, we're always right!

No couple can match our alluring creativity,

yeah, oh, love is for me!

Now I understand why you guys are cynics,

when it comes to me and my Fuji-cakes, everyone's a critic.

But I can see, what you're really feeling's jealousy,

because love, oh love, is for me!

_ Jigen groans. "Fujiko was never yours to begin with. If you thought so, you don't need any help to be driven frickin' crazy!" he says. He gets up off the couch to look down at Lupin._

JIGEN:

If you think I'm jealous,

your head's addled with madness.

You think you're so smart and clever,

do you need to be reminded,

the last time she netted us a good deal was never?!

_ Goemon doesn't stand up, but he nods. "That mirrors my thoughts exactly, Jigen," he says. He taps Zantetsuken to a faster rhythm, and the background music speeds up to match._

GOEMON:

Romance should not involve abuse.

Clearly, all she wants to be is chased.

She'll always put thrills first,

don't you see you're being obtuse?

For you, she'd never be chaste.

_ Lupin pouts. He snatches Goemon's mallet away and chucks it behind the couch._

LUPIN:

I admit my Fujiko's moods sometimes swing,

but you guys can't recognize our great thing!

With my Fuji-cakes I'm never bored,

our games show each other we're adored!

You guys are pathetic! You're lonely and bitter,

cut from the same sad cloth, from the same litter.

Why don't you just go find two hot lovers,

instead of sitting and acting like confirmed bachelors?

JIGEN:

We've gone down that path before.

Those goddamn tales end in deceit, death, and betrayal.

GOEMON:

Two understanding women versed in the spiritual,

with a respect for our weapons, and the desire to help us, not to hurt...

JIGEN:

When you find them, then give us a frickin' call!

You don't deserve to act like you're all full of sunshine!

In the end, it's gonna be the same tired, old punchline!

_ Jigen and Goemon march toward Lupin, making him back up into a corner. Lupin's eyes dart around, looking for a way to escape._

JIGEN AND GOEMON:

If romance wanted to come knock at our door,

then it should just run and find us.

Shenanigans like Fujiko's would never blind us!

Without women, we're perfectly happy,

No, love is not for me!

_ With their final shout, Lupin falls over on his side. His friends walk back to their seats, nonchalant. Lupin frowns like a petulant toddler._

"Fine. I'm not going to waste my time arguing when I've known I've been right from the start." Lupin stood up and dusted himself off. "Have fun vegetating till you die of old age!" He stormed out of the door, and slammed it hard. The sound echoed through the room.

Jigen and Goemon sat back down, annoyed. Goemon kept Zantetsuken in its sheath, and Jigen didn't go back to lounging around. The anger in the air was thick and buzzing, like a swarm of frightened killer bees.

Jigen lit a cigarette. He took a deep drag of it. "You know what Lupin needs? A taste of his own medicine."

"If poison is what you are referring to, I agree." Goemon drew his sword again, and examined it carefully. He frowned. "But no matter how many times Fujiko runs off with other men, Lupin never realizes how his behavior is just as hurtful as hers."

"Too bad we don't have lovers. Then we could just act obnoxious and force an epiphany on him," said Jigen.

Goemon put his sword in its scabbard slowly. It clicked shut. "Could we find two women to merely pose as our love interests? Perhaps Lupin forgot that he's not the only brilliant actor."

"Lupin would catch on when we use a ton of money to hire the actors," said Jigen. "It'd have to be women we already knew."

Goemon closed his eyes. "A shame. If only we could just pose as a couple together."

"Hey, man, that's perfect!" yelled Jigen. "We don't need women when we have each other."

"Jigen, I know we've concluded that Lupin has a screw loose, but I don't think he's gullible enough to fall for that."

"Hey, you said we're brilliant actors, right?" Jigen grinned.

* * *

Lupin crossed his arms. "Okay, guys, why did you call me back here? Why do you want to chew me out this time?"

Jigen and Goemon glanced at each other. "Actually," said Goemon, "we thought very seriously about what you told us."

Lupin sighed. "Yeah, and what conclusion did you come to? That I need to be sent to an institution?"

"We decided that you have a point," said Jigen.

"I knew you'd say that—wait, what?!" Lupin's eyes widened. "You mean you want to go pick up chicks?"

Goemon and Jigen chuckled. Lupin bit his lip, suddenly feeling nervous. He looked left and right, sensing something was very off about this situation.

Jigen had a catlike grin on his face. "I think that ship has sailed, right, Goemon?"

"Right. Lupin, we're already dating. Each other," said Goemon.

Lupin blanched. Beads of sweat formed on his forehead. But after a few seconds, the color came rushing back to his face. He snorted. He burst into hearty laughter, and he had to hold his stomach to keep from crumpling over.

"What the hell is so funny?" asked Jigen.

Lupin wiped tears from his eyes. He stood up and adjusted his jacket. "Okay, I admit it. That was hilarious! I was starting to think that you didn't have a sense of humor."

"Uh... Lupin, we're not joking," said Goemon.

"Really?" Lupin smirked. "Then why don't you kiss your new boyfriend?" At the word "boyfriend," he almost laughed again. "Go ahead. Be affectionate. I want to see how much you love each other."

Goemon mumbled some inaudible excuse.

Jigen quickly moved to stand in front of him. "Stop embarrassing Goemon! What, is it against the frickin' law to be a private guy these days?"

"There's a huge difference between between being private and being a faker, Jigen." Lupin pouted. "You're starting to freak me out. You can drop this gag anytime."

"Stop disrespecting our relationship." Goemon had managed to regain his composure. "We're going out. If you want to apologize, you can wait until after our date is over." He grabbed Jigen's hand, and walked out the door with him.

"Hey, hey, wait! Where are you going?" Lupin called.

"None of your business!" Jigen slammed the door.

Lupin sat down on the couch. "Man, that was weird." He looked at the door, and listened to his friends leaving the hideout. He knew it wouldn't be hard to follow them. _On the one hand, this is nuts, _he thought. _On the other hand, they're being oddly protective... I wonder... _Lupin stood up, and slunk over to the far wall of the living room. He pressed his hand to a specific spot, and a hidden drawer popped out of the wall. He took out a miniature voice recorder from the drawer, before closing it again. _Whatever it is, this'll be fun._


	2. The Little Things You Do For Me

Goemon and Jigen were on Mt. Nosoko, where hiking the trail made them feel like they were in the middle of a jungle. The atmosphere was warm and moist, and the ground was a reddish clay, with large tree roots growing into the trail. Jigen and Goemon to a small stream with a series of cinder blocks forming a path across it. They easily crossed over, and turned onto the path that led to the mountain peak.

"Hey, man, don't your feet hurt in those sandals?" Jigen asked. "It's gonna be about an hour before we reach the top, you know."

"When one meditates, all sensations become bliss." Goemon didn't slow down at all.

They continued to walk, in silence. After passing by some ropes other hikers had tied to the trees, they reached a sign with red arrows on it. It said "mountaineering."

Jigen paused. "It's nice that you chose a place with hiding places for him and all, but I don't think Lupin's gonna be convinced by this."

"Why not?" asked Goemon. "If Lupin is too close-minded for this to work, there's nothing we can do about it."

Jigen shrugged. "I guess. Actually, I felt bizarrely offended by his reaction, too."

Goemon started walking again. Jigen followed him. "I don't know why you feel that way," said Goemon, "but the reason I'm offended is that Lupin is indirectly insulting you."

"Really? I feel the exact same way! Well, except I'm pissed off cause he's putting you down," said Jigen. A few seconds later, they passed a tree with red tape markers on it. "You know what the difference is between us, Goemon?" asked Jigen.

"No." Goemon didn't have to think about it.

Jigen smirked. "Me neither."

Meanwhile, Lupin was following them from a discreet distance. He was wearing a camouflage suit over his jacket, so he could sneak around in the canopy. Using a rocket to string up a rope from branch to branch, he could repel through the highest trees. Lupin refocused his binoculars, and lowered his microphone. He grinned. "So, you know I'm following you," he said quietly, under his breath. "You're right, guys, I am utterly unconvinced. You'll have to do better."

Lupin was sweating under his camo, but he was determined to record, and later embarrass, his friends. He reeled in the rope, so he could shoot two more lengths of it. He slid down the rope faster than Jigen and Goemon could walk up the mountain.

When the tops of the trees became tinged in golden light, Goemon and Jigen finally made it to the peak. They scrambled past some boulders, and climbed on top of the rocks. They had been blessed with a clear day, granting them a bright, panoramic view of the island. The tree-covered swells in the landscape, turned shining gold in the setting sun, gave way to a view of the town of Nosoko, and beyond that the beach, and the pristine Pacific Ocean. The water was a gradient of turquoise to sapphire.

Jigen held his fedora down, so it wouldn't blow away in the wind. "Eh. It's nice, but I've seen better."

Goemon sat down in his usual position. "Yes."

Jigen sat down on the jagged rock beside him. Immediately, Jigen wished he had stayed in the hideout where there were cushions and pillows. He lay down, putting his arms behind his neck. After a minute of watching the sky, he turned over to look at Goemon. Jigen noticed something black on Goemon's left foot.

"Hey, man, what is that?" asked Jigen. He propped himself up. "Is that a leech? I told you sandals were a bad idea!"

Goemon frowned. "What, are you going to burn it off with a cigarette?"

"Only if you want an infection. All you do is..." Jigen reached over, and slid one of his fingernails under the leech's mouth. He pulled it off, and flicked it away.

Goemon's wound wasn't large, but it was dripping blood. It stained the side of his left sandal.

"Damn it, why didn't I bring any water? It's so frickin' hot anyway!" Jigen stood back up. He wondered if any of his clothing was clean, and whether he could tear off some fabric to use as a bandage. While he was distracted, his hat blew off his head.

Before Jigen could even curse, Goemon shot up and caught the hat with the tip of his sheathed sword. "Do not worry over me, Jigen. In ultimate reality, there is no wound."

"Great." Jigen took a step forward, and took his hat. He put it back on. "Because in relative reality, I'm gonna be real damn annoyed if I have to carry you down the entire mountain."

Goemon sighed. He glanced at the view of the golden-hour landscape, then back to Jigen. "I suppose this isn't very romantic."

From up in a nearby tree, one with enough foliage to hide behind, Lupin snickered. _Guess this is my cue to get going, _he thought. He turned himself around on the branch, but paused when he heard his friends' conversation continue.

"Yeah... though I bet if it'd been Lupin's zany scheme it would've worked great." Jigen looked down at the mottled stone. He kicked at it, and turned around.

Goemon quickly walked in front of him. "You were well-intentioned. I thank you for your effort."

"What? Didn't I waste your time?"

"I'd rather do something than nothing," said Goemon. "Besides, now that I think about it, I realize I haven't exactly told you I'm thankful."

"Huh? Thankful for what?" Jigen scratched the back of his neck.

"Well, you see..."

_ The background music plays. It's a smooth, romantic ballad with the cool instrumentation of fifties' jazz floating in and out of the melody line. It's like a slow and subtle R&B number._

GOEMON:  
I have misused my discretion.

Though it wasn't my intention not to say,

never did I mention,

my appreciation for the little things you do for me?

When we're dining on miso soup,

you always let me eat the larger pieces of tofu.

When I enter a house with you,

and we must remove our shoes,

you'll quickly turn mine around so that I can slip into them with ease.

I could never list all the little things you do for me.

_ Jigen blinks in bewilderment. He sings his own verse, while walking with long strides, around Goemon. _

JIGEN:  
What? Don't be so modest.

I haven't been honest myself, not really been clear,

I only let you have extra food because I don't have to fear,

that you'll steal mine, like Lupin does.

And when he's out on the town, and we're only sitting around,

you always let me be lazy.

So don't you see? You do just as many little things for me.

_ Goemon shakes his head, his black hair shining in the light of the sunset. He circles around Jigen instead._

GOEMON:

No. I can outdo you, because...

When I tear up as we're enjoying kabuki,

you snatch Lupin's rice crackers so he won't be noisy.

And when I quote lines from my spiritual texts,

and everyone stares like I'm reading from a fortune cookie,

you translate what I mean to say. Surely now we can agree,

that you do far more little things for me!

_ Jigen leans toward Goemon, and Goemon stops moving._

JIGEN:

That's ridiculous!

At the bathhouse, you always scrub my back first,

without being asked.

And nobody else I ever knew,

could stomach the bitter coffee I brew, except for you.

_ Goemon leans in closer to Jigen, as well._

GOEMON:

You make sure to stop Lupin from eating in my view,

when I have to fast.

If I have to leave for more training when I'm depressed,

it never makes you care about me any less.

JIGEN:

Wait, wait, why would it?

You're not like you think you are! You're not unworthy.

I mean, I know you always put my well being first.

Think of all the little things you do for me.

GOEMON:

If you're saying so, then it's truth, that's clear.

Sometimes I feel like I enjoy just sitting only when you're near.

JIGEN:

Really? I often wonder how I'd live without your point of view.

When you're not here, the crazy things we do just leave me feeling blue.

BOTH:  
I guess the little things you do for me,

are not what's keeping me happy.

No, it's nothing for me that you do.

It's just you... being you.

_ The music stops. Jigen's and Goemon's eyes widen in realization. They whirl away from each other. Goemon stares intensely at the ocean, and Jigen hastily pulls his hat over his face._

Even Lupin's eyes grew wide as swimming pools. He gnashed his teeth and tightened his grip on his little mic. It cracked. The recorder broke off and fell out of the tree, but Jigen and Goemon didn't notice. Lupin snapped out of his angry reverie.

"Oh, come on! Curses, ghosts, magicians, frickin' magic cults, I can believe in all that crap, but this?!" Lupin groaned, feeling miserable. He dropped out of the tree with ninja-like silence. "I give up. Time for bed." He walked away.

His friends stood stock still. They refused to move, even though the sun was setting quickly, and would leave them in the dark. The silence stretched on, unbroken as the ocean view. Their shadows grew long.

A mosquito's buzzing distracted them from their thoughts. Jigen swatted it away.

"L-Let's get going." Jigen cleared his throat. "You... wouldn't want to be bitten by a venomous snake in the dark, right?"

Goemon nodded without looking at him. "I hope Lupin is convinced, now."


	3. Love Me, Love Me Do

Lupin woke up with a pounding headache. After accidentally tumbling off the bed, he got dressed, sleepily muttering curses the whole time. He left the hideout, but when he stuck his head out, he saw he was in the middle of an unfamiliar street.

"What the..." He looked around. The street looked oddly flat, and the blacktop was brown. On either sides of the road was a sidewalk, and it was a bright, candy pink.

Lupin climbed out onto the street, where not a single car was driving by, and jumped up and down on the brown street. It made a clacking noise. On a hunch, Lupin licked one of his fingers, and rubbed it against the road. He tasted it. It was chocolate.

Before Lupin could investigate further, he heard Jigen and Goemon call him, simultaneously. "Hi, Lupin! Come over here!"

Lupin looked back toward the sidewalk. He saw his friends, and his jaw dropped. He blubbered and shook as he absorbed the sight of them. Jigen's beard was gone, his chin shaved immaculately clean. He was wearing a different hat and jacket—they were snowy white with gold accents. Goemon had on a rainbow kimono, bright with all the colors of a discount store Hawaiian shirt.

"Aw, Lupin, we're so glad you could make it!" Goemon's left eye twitched.

Jigen nodded vigorously. "You're just in time to hear the love song we've been working on all day!"

"Uh..." Lupin was focused on Jigen's chin.

"One, two, three, let's go!" Goemon and Jigen shouted simultaneously._ A canned, bubbly, four chord pop song's backing track plays._

JIGEN AND GOEMON:

Love me deedle dee, love me diddly doo,

I want to spend all my hours with you!

When you're in love, the bestest parts,

are the cute little kittens and candy hearts!

_ Lupin is about to retch his guts out all over the pepto-bismol pink sidewalk. "Don't tell me the candies have messages on them," he says._

_ "Oh. Of course!" Jigen pipes up._

_ "They all say, 'twu wuv!'" Goemon smiles._

The mopey way we were before,

we don't miss.

Every problem can be solved

by an indirect kiss!

_ Jigen stretches out his right arm and pulls a malt out of a cloud, and Goemon pulls two straws out of a mysterious hole in the sidewalk. With psychotically happy grins on their faces, they take sips out of the drink together._

_ "No way in hell that's sanitary." Lupin cringes, unable to look away. After a few seconds, he sings himself._

LUPIN:

Don't you guys remember,

how great things were before?

Back during those jobs,

it didn't matter if we sped away

in a Fiat or Mercedes Benz,

since we were partners and friends?

I know, I know,

you two are freakishly sunny.

But don't you wanna run back to me

when you see all this cold, hard, money?!

_ Lupin pulls out a wad of cash from one of his hidden jacket pockets, punctuating his verse. He grins madly, like a famished shark. When the cash has no effect, Lupin pouts and throws it at Jigen and Goemon. It whacks the malt out of their hands, and the drink crashes to the pink pavement, and melts the sidewalk in a whirlpool of sugary sweetness. Jigen and Goemon spin around to face Lupin. Their eyes roll back and glow a radioactive pink._

JIGEN AND GOEMON:

You still don't trust in the power of rainbows and chocolate?!

You're stupid, stupid, stupid!

Send in the Cupid!

Cupid, Cupid, Cupid!

_The two of them point at Lupin as if he's a heretic. They continue to chant "Cupid," ad nauseum. Suddenly, the entire street shakes. Cracks form in the road, and a monstrosity arises from underground. A metallic baby head smashes through the pavement, a machine with jagged steel teeth and bulbous eyes cut from sapphire. Two needle-encrusted wings shoot out of the ground and flap vigorously, sending pavement showering over Lupin._

_ Lupin screams and tries to run, but his shoes are sinking into the melting pavement. He pulls off his fake legs and dashes down the road, but no matter how far he runs, the metal Cupid is lurching behind him from the exact same distance away, its menacing machinations ever lurking in the corner of Lupin's sight. Lupin steps into a sinkhole filled with chocolate sauce, and it hardens around his feet. He cries like a toddler throwing a tantrum as the Cupid opens its gaping, Lovecraftian maw with the screech of a hundred demolition vehicles and closes in on him and sucks him into its ink-black mouth no escape now and the teeth jutting out everywhere sharp as bladesnapclosedhescreamterrordarkofnightdeadforever—_

"I'm way too handsome to die!" Lupin shrieked. His vision was slightly blurry, but he saw he was in a much darker, less technicolor place than before. His eyes darted around the room, his room, scrutinizing every detail, from the fifty-two cracks on the ceiling, to that ugly stain on the wallpaper in the left corner. It had all been a nightmare.

Just as he was sinking into the bed, relieved, Goemon and Jigen burst into the room.

"Hey man, were you having a real bad dream?" asked Jigen.

"We heard you scream," said Goemon.

Lupin blinked. He looked at his friends, and discovered they looked utterly normal. Both of them were wearing their usual, drab clothes, and Jigen was no longer a clean-shaven abomination, his beard as bushy as ever.

Lupin smiled, tears glistening in his eyes. "Only the worst nightmare ever. But seeing you two all right makes everything all better."

Jigen and Goemon shared a look. "That's uncharacteristically sentimental of you, Lupin," said Goemon. "We were seriously injured in this nightmare of yours?"

"Infinitely more twisted." Lupin gagged. "You'll never believe this, but you two were in love! And you sang a musical number about it!"

Jigen winced. "Well, this is awkward. I don't know about singing outside the shower, but..."

"We are in love," said Goemon.

Lupin opened his mouth wide, but it felt like sandpaper inside. Neither words nor shrieks came out. He bolted out of the bed, tossing the covers on the floor. He flung

the bedroom door open, and raced out like a whirlwind. He crashed through the second door he encountered without bothering to pry it open. Splinters scattered every which way, and got jabbed into the carpet. Lupin left an outline of himself in the wood, clean as a hole-punch in a piece of paper.

Jigen walked to the ruined door, careful not to snap any of the splinters in the rug. "Lupin does know he's nude from the top down, right?" He asked Goemon.

"The indecent exposure charge should clue him in."

Lupin raced, barely breathing, to the base of a large tree. Without stopping for a breath, he grabbed a zipper on the tree trunk. He unzipped it, revealing the tree to be a disguise for his Fiat. He almost tore open the door, leapt inside the car, and started the engine. Lupin had to get out of there, to find the one person to pull him away from all the insanity—his very own Mine Fujiko.


	4. It's Not That Bad

Lupin drove like a maniac, focused only on moving forward. A procession of blaring car horns followed wherever he went, as he nearly slammed into the oncoming traffic every few minutes. His mental monologue was strung together by curses on whichever man's family had decided to place all the most luxurious hotels near the southern shore of the island.

After about fifty minutes of imitating _Crazy Taxi_, Lupin swerved into the parking lot of the club hotel. The building was painted coral pink, with the entrance with a pagoda-like roof on it. Trees with magenta flowers were blooming outside. Lupin dashed out of his car and ran through the doors. He flew over the cool, shiny floor, paying no heed to the screech of the hotel staff behind him. He climbed three flights of stairs, ran halfway down the hall, skidded to a halt, and knocked lightly on one of the doors.

"Yes? Is lunch ready?" Fujiko asked, with a fake accent. Lupin recognized her with no effort.

"Fujiko, you have to help me!" Lupin put his hands against the door.

Fujiko opened the door a sliver. "Lupin," she said in a whisper, "keep your voice down!" She opened the door, and Lupin rushed inside. Fujiko screamed. She drew her pistol and pointed it at him. "Stay back!" she yelled.

Lupin crossed his arms. He quickly shut the door. "Now who isn't keeping their voice down?"

"Why are you naked?!" Fujiko lowered the gun.

Lupin looked down at himself. "Huh. Well, I didn't have time for my daily routine, considering the horror I've been through!" He clasped his hands together, and got down on his knees. "Fujiko, You won't believe what happened! Jigen and Goemon, they—"

"Hooked up?" Fujiko smirked. Lupin blanched. Fujiko strode over to the window and she closed the curtains. She sat down on her bed. "Oh, they told me. They called yesterday to share the news."

Lupin got back up to a standing position. "And what did you tell them? Was there screaming involved?"

Fujiko looked to the side, thoughtful. "Hmm... well, At first I was going to yell, 'that's insane!' and hang up. Then I reconsidered, and thought I should say, 'it's about time.' So I just settled on saying congratulations. I am a true lady, you know." She winked at him. "Now, what's your problem with this?"

Lupin embraced Fujiko with a grip of iron. When she squeaked in pain, he mashed his face into her bosom. Fujiko lifted one arm to smack him, but she stalled when she heard and felt him sobbing. He was shivering in terror.

"W-What's wrong?" she asked nervously.

"Oh, Fuji-cakes, it the most horrible thing! You see, last night I had this dream where Jigen shaved! And Goemon got this bright kimono, and it was actually kinda pretty but still so, so wrong! And they were all lovey-dovey and singing like they were in a musical or something, which is nuts, and I swore there was this giant rainbow, or even two! And the cupid! The giant robot cupid! The giant robot cupid!" Lupin let out stuttering yells like a busted gramophone.

"Excuse me?" Fujiko pushed Lupin away.

"But I could let all that go, Fujiko." Lupin's eyes narrowed. "What really gets me is that they won't spend any time with me anymore! And I mean in real life, not just in my nightmare that is best left forgotten."

_Fujiko smiles sympathetically. She gives Lupin a few pats on the back, and kisses him lightly on the cheek. She pushes him away, and gets up off the bed. She sighs theatrically. A smooth, jazzy swing song plays in the background, with low, ringing strings, bouncy piano, and a breezy saxophone._

FUJIKO:

Lupin, I know you're scared, you thought your friends could never fall,

get caught up in a pretty little love squall,

but...

Oh, it's not that bad,

lover, there's no need to be mad.

One of them is lazy, the other one is crazy,

this will never last!

Sometimes we all get desperate,

but desperation does not make love perfection.

They're chasing after a reflection...

In time you will see,

they could never end up like you and me.

_ She bends down, and gazes into Lupin's eyes. He instantly forgets his suffering and perks right up. Before he can kiss her, she slips away from him and continues her musical number._

But even if they end up wed,

promise to be true till they're dead,

in a little while, they'll come running back in kind,

in a few months they'll be bored out of their minds.

Oh, Lupin, it's not that bad!

They're so terribly sedentary,

so you will be the one to break their molds.

Your worries are so very unnecessary.

Darling, there's no need to be this cold!

Depression was forever their tragic flaw.

We're the real god couple here, n'est-ce pas?

They had nothing left except their last resorts,

for even such cynical men need their comforts.

Lupin, it's not that bad!

Lupin gave her a standing ovation, while he grinned madly. "You know what, Fuj? You're right. Why should I care? I know this so-called relationship will implode any second. I won't let it get on my nerves," he said proudly.

"That's the spirit!" Fujiko cheered. Now why don't you borrow some of my clothes? I'll expect you to pay me back later, of course. And don't ruin anything!"

"What do you mean?!" Lupin frowned. "I can't wear your clothes! They're all feminine! And I only cross dress when it's absolutely necessary!"

"Hmph. Suit yourself." Fujiko took out her cell phone. "I'll just call security on you, you ungrateful pig." She flipped the phone open.

Lupin ran over to her. He grabbed her arm. "No! No no no no no! Heh, I mean, sure I'll try on one of your ensembles, Fuji-cakes. You know what an open mind I have about this sort of thing."

Fujiko grinned. "Oh, I never doubted you, Lupin. Now, let's discuss your newest idea for a heist, okay? You see, I have my eye on a pretty little artifact, and..."

Half an hour of fruitful scheming later, Lupin walked out of the hotel. He wore a straw hat, and a bright yellow sundress with pink beach-roses stitched into it. Holding his hat down, hopelessly wishing he could disappear, he stumbled to his car, only to discover fifteen tickets plastered on the windshield.

"Great. It had to be one of these days," he muttered.

* * *

Fortunately for Lupin's damaged dignity, his friends were not back at the hideout when he returned. Lupin immediately ran to his bedroom, tore off Fujiko's clothes and put on his usual attire. Before he had even gotten his jacket on completely, he ran to his mirror. He pressed a hidden panel on the wall, and the mirror slid to the side, revealing a secret compartment filled with bizarre weapons and contraptions.

Lupin smirked. "I'll show them. I can do this all by myself. In fact, I'm better without them nagging me all the time!" He picked up a device that looked like a reinforced fishing rod, and he took a long box. He took off the lid to check the contents—a fanglike metal hook. Lupin closed the box, and slid it into the back of his jacket, sticking it into a hidden pocket. He rested the fishing rod device on his shoulder, and walked back out the door. He whistled his tune as he walked back to the Fiat.

Jigen and Goemon were walking along the nearest road, away from the mountain. Lupin saw them and stopped in his tracks.

"I know what you're thinking!" Lupin gestured to them with his free hand. "You're going mad right now because you don't know what I'm up to right now. But I'll have you guys know that I'm just going on a little fishing trip. By myself. Alone. As in, without you. But don't worry, because—"

"What're you going on about?" Jigen interrupted. He and Goemon were staring at Lupin.

"Whatever it is that you're doing, it's your own business, isn't it?" asked Goemon.

Lupin blinked. He turned around sharply, and almost hit Jigen in the head with the device. "My own business? Er, I mean... yeah! Exactly! And I'm also totally not at all curious about what you guys were doing together just a few minutes ago."

Goemon and Jigen looked at each other. "All we were doing was training," said Goemon. "We do that all the time."

"Oh, don't feel so ashamed of your feelings, Goemon. You don't need to make transparent excuses like this. I understand what you two were getting up to. _Training_..." Lupin sighed theatrically. "Not that I care. I said I wasn't curious! What, do you have the attention span of a goldfish?!"

Jigen covered his face with his hand, mortified for all involved.

In a flash, Goemon drew his sword, and sliced a few hairs off Lupin's head. Lupin gasped in fright.

"What the hell?!" Lupin gnashed his teeth.

"Mosquito," said Goemon, as expressionless as a rock.

Without looking back, Lupin stormed to his car, got in, and slammed the door. He drove away, literally leaving Jigen and Goemon in the dust.


	5. Complainin' in the Rain

Lupin felt narcoleptic. Watching the beautiful tree-lined streets and fields of grass that swayed in the wind did not help him stay awake. After half an hour of driving, he just wanted to shut his eyes and drift away. Every few minutes, he'd glance up at his rear-view mirror, expecting to see Jigeen sleeping, or Goemon, unyielding, meditating in the backseat. But all he saw was his propped up fishing rod device.

The turns in the road were subtle and soft as clouds. Lupin barely had to move the steering wheel. Forty minutes passed, fifty minutes, an hour. Lupin yawned. The road swerved. His eyes flew open and he wrenched the steering wheel. The Fiat spun tight, scorching the road.

"Geez, who designed this crazy street?!" Lupin continued driving for a few more minutes before he pulled up to Yaeyama Hospital. By this time, the sky was stained a greenish-brown with sunset. The cloud cover was dense, and the grey hospital stood out against the sky.

"Time to give myself a little insurance," Lupin whispered. He pressed a button on the Fiat's dashboard. In a flash, the yellow paint job flaked off like frost, replaced by mauve paint instead. Lupin smirked and got out of the car. He stretched out and touched his toes. He took the fishing rod device out of the back and put it over his shoulder.

Lupin clicked his heels together. Wheels popped out of the soles and he skated down the road, past the houses. His hair blew back in the wind as he flew back and forth, easily evading the traffic. Drivers blared their horns at him, but Lupin didn't care at all.

By the time he reached Yaeyama Museum, it was nighttime. The streetlights were alight, and they illuminated the signs outside the museum with captions like: "Yonaguni ruins excavated! Ancient golden crown discovered!"

Lupin frowned as he studied the museum. _What's up with this? _he thought. The paint on the front of the museum was cracked and off-color. The building itself was very small, like a beach house. Even the rose bushes outside the museum looked twisted to Lupin.

He shook his head. _I don't need anything grandiose. Stealing it will be grand enough! _He sneaked around the back, careful not to let his shoes squeak. Lupin thought the museum looked so dingy, he didn't need to worry about an outside laser net. He took out two small suction cups from his jacket pockets and squinted, staring up at the clouds. Lupin wrapped the fishing rod in his legs, and sticking the suction cups to the wall, he tried not to the rustle the bushes, and climbed up the wall, sweat dripped down his brow as he strained, trying not to drop the fishing rod. He groaned quietly. _Wish I had some help here, _he thought.

By the time he reached the roof, Lupin felt felt his limbs were wet noodles with lead weights tied to them. He fell flat on his back, moaning. Water splashed on his face. Lupin opened his eyes, hearing the rush of water ringing in his ears. It was raining.

Lupin sighed. "Just great." With great difficulty, he stood up. He put the suction cups back in his pocket, and pulled out a little saw that looked like a super-sharp pizza cutter. Lupin turned it on, and started cutting a small circle in the roof. Water sprayed in all directions off the spinning blade, the droplets hitting Lupin in the face. By the time the circle was cut, Lupin was soaked. He took the suction cups out, and pulled the circle up. He slid it to the side.

Lupin grinned, relieved. "If I'm feeling extra generous," he whispered to himself, "I'll pay the museum back for the rain damage." Lupin picked up the fishing rod. He placed in on the roof, sticking it in place with yet another suction cup. He reeled out a long line, and attached the metal hook to his jacket lapel, and he took out a remote control for the line. He kept the saw in his hand for any display cases he might come across, and he slowly repelled into the building.

Lupin shut his eyes for a few seconds to adjust to the dark museum. He opened them, and saw that the crown was right below him, in a glass case. Lupin grinned, but his grin fell when he saw a man slumped over next to the case. Lupin recognized the brown hat the man had on.

_Pops?! _Lupin's eyes bugged out. _Come on! Why does he have to defend third-rate places like this?_

Lupin kept suspended at the same level for a while. He glared at Zenigata, and heard him snoring. "Hm... he's not even talking in his sleep. I should be able to get by him."

He leaned down, until the display case was only an arms-length away. He fiddled with the remote control, and the rod let down more line. Holding the saw tightly, he reached out with practiced precision. The blade touched the glass with a pointed clink.

Lupin seized up. He looked down, but Zenigata hadn't stirred. Lupin smiled. But as he got ready to turn on the blade, a few drops of water fell from his sleeve. Zenigata turned over in his sleep, and the drops of water hit him right in his eyes.

Zenigata sat up instantly. "Lupin!" he screamed on impulse. Like a zombie, he grabbed Lupin's arm and yanked him down, slamming him on the floor. Lupin tried to yell, but his face was mashed onto the floor, and his voice was muffled.

"Hah! Once again, my patience paid off!" Zenigata took out a pair of handcuffs, and slapped them on Lupin. "What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Mph!"

"Oh, sorry about that." Zenigata stood up, pulling Lupin up with him. "As I was saying, crime never pays! And nobody believed me when I said you'd be here. Nobody understood my sixth sense about—"

"Don't say stuff like that, Pops, you're starting to sound like Goemon." Lupin was already fiddling with the handcuffs.

Zenigata smiled sheepishly. "Well, you know. Where are Goemon and Jigen, anyway? Without them, there's no way you can get away!"

Lupin gritted his teeth. "Shut up."

When Zenigata turned to ask Lupin what his problem was, he found the handcuffs were attached to something on the floor. He looked down at the floor, and saw a life-sized Lupin doll.

The real Lupin, meanwhile, ran in the other direction. "You shouldn't tease me, Pops!" he yelled. He ran past the other displays, to the back door. He skidded to a halt. "Hey, wait, why aren't you chasing after m—" He was cut off as a metal plate swinging down from the ceiling smacked him in the face.

Zenigata caught up with him. He lung another pair of handcuffs on a line, and cuffed Lupin's right foot. "Hah! You didn't notice any of those special motion-tracking cameras I had the staff set up, did you?! You've gone soft!"

Lupin scowled. "Just a demo to demonstrate to myself what I'm smart enough to avoid," he muttered.

"But if you ran into it, then you're not smart enough to... never mind. I don't have time for this!" Zenigata leapt forward, and tackled Lupin to the floor. Zenigata pulled the line attached to the cuffs taut, and reached down with one hand to start touching Lupin's right leg.

"You perverted old man!" yelled Lupin. His arms were flailing. "Do you have some leg fetish?!"

Zenigata pulled off a casing around Lupin's leg, taking his shoe with it. He tipped it over, and all sorts of gadgets fell out, scattering on the hardwood.

"Uh... okay, maybe that was a little justified. But you didn't have to take my shoe, too!"

Zenigata removed the shoe from the fake leg, and dumped even more gadgets out of it.

One uncomfortable pat down later, Zenigata had Lupin cuffed and hung from the ceiling. But Zenigata paused before calling for reinforcements. _He clears his throat._

ZENIGATA:

I knew I'd catch you in the end!

You ran around without a care,

but I'm a good guy, I always played fair.

On me, justice can depend!

_Zenigata has his eyes closed, singing a long note. He holds his arm out, waiting for Lupin in sing a verse._

"Uh... hey! You're supposed to sing now! It takes two to—" Zenigata looked around the museum. Lupin was nowhere to be found. "Crap, crap, crap!"

* * *

Meanwhile, Lupin had escaped the building. He ran down the streets, his head reeling. Hard rain hit him in the face, too much water for him to wipe away. Zenigata had taken Lupin's shoes, so he could not get back to his car quickly. After only a few minutes, Lupin's feet started to hurt. Rocks and grit was ground into his foot, and with each step his feet got more and more little scrapes.

He slowed down as he approached the hospital. But before he could run to the freedom of his Fiat, he heard police sirens. Lupin cursed and started running down a different street. When he felt like his legs would fall off, he slowed his pace.

_ Lupin stares down at his soaked jacket, and his eyes follow the stream of water rushing down the road spiral into the drain. Gritting his teeth, he looks up to the cloudy sky. He sings snatches of a sad tune._

LUPIN:

Doo-dloo-doo-doo-doo...

_ Eventually sick of singing that over and over, he begins the lyrics. The sound in the background is like Broadway jazz, that's suspiciously similar to a famous song, but is absolutely not copyright infringement._

Complainin' in the rain,

Just complainin' in the rain.

What a terrible feeling.

They ignored me again.

I'm staring at clouds, so dark up above.

Pops stole my pride,

while my so-called friends speak of love.

_ As Lupin shuffles along the road, a car drives by incredibly fast, splashing dirty water all over him. His normally pristine jacket is ruined. He spits the water out of his mouth, and his eyes narrow. He almost growls the next verse._

Let the storm clouds fly in

and ruin their place!

They should be caught in this rain,

as I watch with a smile on my face.

I'll skip down the lane,

with a happy refrain,

I'll be just singin',

laughin' at their pain!

_ Lupin almost flies down the sidewalk now, the warmth of planned vengeance keeping him going. He keeps rushing until he hears police sirens coming from in front of him. Just as the blue and red lights are speeding into view, Lupin ducks into a dark, dank, alley. Among the trash and abandoned hobo clothing, he feels somehow sad. His tune grows wistful once more. _

Why am I frowning?

And why do I sigh?

Why do I feel like

I wish I could die?

Why has this happened?

Everything fell apart.

I'm soaked, standin' head down,

with a pain in my heart.

Why is each new heist

a trifle to do?

Because I am living,

a life without... you.

Lupin sighed. "I need a cab..."


	6. Thieves' Quartet

Fujiko sat in the armchair, her head hung low. She tapped her foot on the floor in impatience. She had been waiting for an extra hour for Lupin. The sound of footsteps came from outside the door. She shot up from the chair and drew her pistol.

The door flew open, cracking against the wall. Lupin was panting in the doorway, water pouring off his clothes. His eyes were bulging out, and his hair was mussed.

"Lupin!" Fujiko put her gun back in its holster. "I hope you know it's rude to keep a lady waiting." She crossed her arms. "Well? Where's my crown?"

Lupin snarled like an angry wolf. "I lost it. Along with my dignity!"

"What?!" Fujiko slapped him, and water sprayed off his hair. "How could you?!"

He stomped into the room. Dirty water dripped onto the floor. He glared at the couch and chair and then just sat down in the middle of the floor. "It's all their fault," he grumbled. He propped his head up on his right arm.

"The police's fault?" asked Fujiko.

"Hmph. Of course not. You think Zenigata's IQ doubled overnight?" Lupin snarled again. "No. You know whose it really is? Think. Who's supposed to be there to check for those sneaky security cameras?" Lupin suddenly stood up, still glaring at the floor. "Who's supposed to cut down the barriers in my way? Who's supposed to be there for me?!" Lupin ran up to Fujiko, grabbed her by her collar, and shook her back and forth. "Who, Fujiko?!"

She shrieked. "Lupin, stop!" She shoved him back. "You're overreacting again! Now run and dry off, already! I'll chew you out when you're more sane."

Lupin cursed under his breath as he walked into the bathroom. A few minutes later he trudged back into the living room with no clothes on, with a towel wrapped around him. He lay down on the couch and stared up at the ceiling.

Fujiko sat down in the armchair, across from him. "Well?"

"How can they do this to me?" Lupin quietly asked. "How can they selfishly dump me like this?"

"I told you, Lupin, you don't have to worry. " Fujiko smiled. "This will all blow over soon. And aren't they really only attracted to women, anyway?"

Lupin closed his eyes. He sighed, and wrapped the towel tighter around himself. "How soon is soon, Fujiko? A few days? Weeks? Months? Even years?" He rolled onto his side, so his head was pressed against the couch cushion. "The sad thing is, I know exactly why this happened. I shouldn't have kept teasing 'em like that. I should have known that the fact that they haven't been laid in years was equivalent to a decade of being stuck in prison."

Fujiko gasped. "Lupin! That's going too far!"

"What? It had to be said." Lupin pushed himself back up to a sitting position. "They even had the nerve to ask me to pick them up from their... date. Do they think I'm their frickin' chauffeur?"

"Lupin... I'm sure everything will be all right."

Lupin got up off the couch. He walked back to the door of his bedroom. "Easy for you to say, Fujiko. You don't have supporting characters like I do. I admit it, I screw up sometimes. But on the rare occasion when that occurs, I'm not supposed to escape from Pops with just my jacket on my back! And it's ruined now, anyway!" Lupin went inside his bedroom to look for new clothes. He stuck his head back out. "So if you want to make yourself useful, get busy thinking of a way to get back at my so-called friends!" He slammed the door.

Fujiko looked away. She sighed.

* * *

Misakichou, Ishigaki's entertainment district, was ideal for Jigen and Goemon. The bar scene started late, so even at eleven p.m., they didn't have to endure lots of tourists and drunkards. By one in the morning, Jigen and Goemon had had enough cocktails. They knew Lupin wouldn't bother driving them home at three a.m, and they weren't ones for partying all night anyway.

The main street of Misakichou was just starting to get busy when they left the bar. The sounds of DJs playing bass-heavy music made their heads pound. It didn't help them that they were drunk. Their cheeks were flushed even though it was still humid outside.

Rain was falling, so no enticing bar girls stood outside that night. Aside from the occasional car speeding by, Jigen and Goemon were alone. Goemon had the foresight to bring an umbrella, so he and Jigen wouldn't get wet waiting for Lupin. The umbrella also blocked the headache-inducing light of the neon signage plastered everywhere outside the buildings.

"I don't get it. Why'd they think we'd waste our money on beer if we can get a cocktail for only a hundred yen more?" asked Jigen.

"Could... be imported," Goemon said, sleepily.

The two of them listened to the rain splash to the ground, and to the sound of the water rushing down the street.

"Y'know, it's funny." Jigen looked up at the umbrella, watching how the shadows of the raindrops played with the light from the streetlights overhead. "I used to wanna share an umbrella with somebody 'cause Lupin always did it with the chicks he picks up."

"Used to?"

"Yeah. This has got to be way better." Jigen pulled Goemon closer.

Goemon closed his eyes. "Mm hmm. The women who betrayed you were foolish. I'm very blessed to be here with you."

They were silent, content just to lean against each other. But after about half a minute, it clicked in their minds that Lupin was nowhere nearby gauging their interactions. Goemon blushed deeply and tightened his hold on the umbrella until his knuckles turned pale. Jigen released Goemon and took a step away from him.

"Uh... I-I didn't mean it like that!" Jigen shouted.

"No. It's fine. I am the one who overstepped boundaries."

Jigen frowned. "No, I know you're just acting. Don't be ridiculous. But what I said I meant in a friendly way—I mean, no, wait, I was just acting, too!"

"Right. And I knew you were acting, and I was acting, and I take back what I—I mean, there's nothing to take back, because—"

Jigen looked away. "We're drunk."

Goemon cleared his throat. "Yes. Very, very, drunk."

Water splashed onto the sidewalk as Lupin's yellow Fiat pulled up to them. Lupin had the steering wheel in a crushing grip, and Fujiko was sitting beside him. She stared out her window.

Lupin rolled his window down partway. "Hurry up! We ain't got all day!" he yelled.

"Ah, Lupin, tell us, did you steal the crown of Yonaguni?" Goemon asked.

"Oh, I don't know," Lupin growled. "How long didja make out for? What's that? None of my frickin' business, you son of a bitch?! Well, same to you!"

Jigen and Goemon stared at him.

Fujiko laughed nervously. "Lupin's just been waiting for us to have some alone time. You two understand, don't you?" She winked.

_Goemon closes the umbrella, and shakes it dry. He and Jigen get in the car. Immediately, they turn away from each other and only look through their respective windows. In the front seat of the Fiat, Lupin glares at each raindrop that falls down in the hazy drizzle. Fujiko glances at him nervously. _

_ An emotional, seventies' rock ballad plays. The grey scene in the car changes to a melancholy, dimly lit stage, with a matte painting of a stormy beach as backdrop. Jigen stands on the stage, and begins his verse._

JIGEN:

Why do I waste my time with this misery?

Is it 'cause I get to be miserable in his company?

How insanely stupid can I be?

One-sided love's a safe haven,

so why don't I feel secure?

There's a typhoon out at sea,

so how come I'm unhappy here on shore?

I just don't think I can go back,

to the way things were before,

now that I've glimpsed something more.

I need to let the curtain fall and shut this door.

_ The curtain does fall. The set goes black, fading into the blurry image of a path. The sky is at twilight time, and there are no plants or animals around. Goemon walks onto the path, and he sings._

GOEMON:

I used to walk down my path all alone,

accepting that it was my own,

but now I've lost the fight.

Though I always chase after realization,

I wish I had not realized

that I need his guiding light.

If this is only illusory

why do I hope he cares for me?

As the moon pulls the tide,

honestly, I don't want to leave his side.

Why did this disaster have to be

one I did not foresee?

JIGEN:  
I'll stick to my tune.

I know it's for the best.

GOEMON:

This is all a test!

_ Their verses stop bleeding into each other. The image of Lupin replaces them. He's standing on top of the lighthouse at the tip of Ishigaki island, but nobody is around. He's gazing into the cloudy sky in the middle of the night. He sings mournfully._

LUPIN:

Don't they see they're making me depressed?

I've been left on my own too soon.

Why do I have to live though all this gloom?

I've always been an escape artist,

so why can't I free myself from this?

When I wasn't paying attention,

they stole each other from me.

I should have known they weren't just jealous and jaded.

They both stare all enchanted.

I never should have taken them for granted!

How could I have ever dared?!

_ These scene at the lighthouse fades away to a shot of Lupin again, but this time, he's back in the hideout. He's laying with his head on the living room table. Fujiko watches him, but she doesn't reach out. She sings quietly, to that Lupin in her thoughts._

FUJIKO:  
Why do I feel so scared

when I see the ennui hidden in his eyes?

Why does he sit there so apathetic,

thinking of nary a plan?

I know he's not that kind of man!

The way I'm so worried for him now,

I wonder, is it really a surprise?

Oh, if only I could help somehow,

if there were a magic treasure I could steal,

I'd give it up to him and help his pain to heal.

But...

FUJIKO, JIGEN, AND GOEMON:

It's not my place to tell him this.

These thoughts I must conceal.

This situation is so strange,

how can it be real?

_Suddenly, the melody changes. It swells, transforming into a reprise of "Complainin' in the Rain." This time, it has its own character, becoming almost morose. All four thieves sing in their minds, the image of their faces sharing the same scene._

ALL:

Why do I stumble?

And why do I sigh?

Why is it that all

I seem do is deny?

Why has this happened?

Everything fell apart.

It's ever so wrong to feel

this pain in my heart.

Why is there nothing

I can think of to do?

It's because I'm still living,

a life without you.

_The music returns to the original melody and quiets down. Lupin and the gang arrive back at the base of Mt. Nosoko, to the entrance of their hideout. Lupin stops the car, and they all get out. They climb into their base in silence. They walk through the living room. Still not saying a word, Jigen and Goemon go back to their shared bedroom. Fujiko sighs. She leans over to Lupin and gives him a kiss on the cheek. Lupin doesn't seem to even care, and she leaves, going back to her own room. Lupin shuts off the light in the living room. He sings again, while walking to his own room._

LUPIN:

I just sit around now,

my mind bathing in regret.

I'm losing the drive,

and the memories

I thought I'd never forget.

Tell me, could this be the breaking

of our thieves' quartet?

_ With that final verse, Lupin opens the door to his bedroom. He shuts it slowly, letting it creak like a long-forgotten rocking chair._


	7. Mushy Song

Lupin tossed and turned the entire night. He barely slept a wink. In the early hours of the morning, with his eyes blotchy and red, he listened to Jigen and Goemon get up, and he listened to Fujiko waking up after them. He listened to Fujiko leaving the hideout, and still he didn't get up. Whenever he got it into his mind to stir and get out of bed, he would suddenly feel a rock deep in his stomach.

Eventually, well into the afternoon, Lupin decided to muse over the situation. He ran though several scenarios in his mind. They all involved screaming and hollering, and wanton destruction of property. _Only a temporary fix, _he figured. _Like sticking a band-aid on a raw spot._

_ If only I could trick them into giving this up, _he thought. _How to make them see how crazy they are?_ Lupin sat up. "That's it!" he said, in a whisper. "Reverse psychology. Oldest trick in the book. I'll praise them, and that will snap 'em out of it." He snickered. He went through his usual daily routine, but he took extra time putting on his clothes. He wanted to look sharp.

Lupin walked into the living room, whistling, with his hands in his pockets. He stopped in front of the couch, where his friends were sitting. "Jigen, Goemon," said Lupin, "I have something very important to tell you."

Goemon and Jigen shared a look.

"Okay, Lupin, go ahead and explain. You've been acting real weird lately," said Jigen. He leaned back to rest his head on the right arm of the couch.

Lupin cleared his throat, hard. "Well, you see, I've come to the c-conclusion, th-that..." He coughed. He fiddled with his jacket. "I think I've been, you know, kinda, a little bit of a jer..."

"What, Lupin?" asked Goemon.

"You see, I'mrealhappyforyou," Lupin muttered. He scowled, and massaged his jaw.

Jigen cocked his head to the side. "Uh... what was that?"

Lupin straightened his back. "I'm... actually... sorry, and... I'm... happy... for..." he ground out though gritted teeth. "I want to praise the two of you," he growled. "I really do. Oh, I'm absolutely behind you all the way."

Jigen's and Goemon's eyes were glued to him, as if Lupin was transforming into a monster.

"I repeat! I am so, so, so happy for you!" Lupin yelled loud enough to blow their hair back. "Your relationship is just so amazing, I can't believe it. This really made everything perfect. Everything. Is. Perfect." Lupin put his arms behind his back. He paced in circles in front of the couch. After five times circling around, he suddenly stopped. "Except, there's just this one, little, teeny-tiny, itty-bitty... thing."

His friends did not say anything.

Lupin whirled around to face them. "It's horrible! Don't you see? You've ruined everything! You've selfishly ignored me, thrown off our entire dynamic, destroyed our nice little team, our thieves' quartet, if you will. And over what?! A relationship that will never last!" Lupin sighed. He took a deep breath. "Listen, guys, I understand. I really do. I'm sure that being bereft of women for so long made you both go a little crazy. Okay, fine. Happens to the best of us. But whatever you're feeling right now, it sure as hell isn't love!" He spat the word "love," as if it was a curse. "Let me elaborate.

"Let's take a brief look at the two of you, shall we?" Lupin gestured to them, like a teacher would gesture to something written on a blackboard. "Jigen, you don't believe in anything. Goemon, you have that weird, new-age philosophy. Goemon, you have bouts of serious depression. Jigen, you're always melancholy. Jigen, you smoke twenty-four-seven. Goemon, you put a freakish amount of time into your health.

"And what you do guys do all the time? Sit around doing absolutely nothing, right? You think that will be so great once you've been married for a year?" Sweat was pouring down Lupin's forehead. His breathing was shallow, and his eyes were red. "Sure, go ahead and abandon me! Leave me to get all the complicated shit done! It's not like I'm your friend, right? Right?! It's not like I need anybody to depend on!" Lupin's head pounded, and he felt dizziness set in. His vision blurred slightly. He lurched over to the armchair, and collapsed into it. Tears filled his eyes, but they did not spill over.

Jigen and Goemon had barely moved while sitting through Lupin's tirade. If they hadn't been turned toward Lupin, it would have looked like they hadn't heard a word he said.

"One question," Goemon said quietly. "The main aspect that bothers you... it's the fact that we're focusing on each other and not on you?"

Lupin groaned. "Obviously. Do you even know what friendship is all about?"

Jigen sat up. "Whatever you're feeling right now, it sure as hell isn't friendship."

Lupin shook his fist at Jigen. "Don't push my words around like that! You don't even know what I meant, do you?"

Jigen looked at Goemon. Goemon nodded. "Listen," said Jigen, "for every goddamn reason you gave for why we can't be a couple, I could list at the very least three for why you shouldn't be with Fujiko."

"And you have abandoned us countless times for her!" yelled Goemon. He pointed at Lupin with Zantetsuken. "You are making yourself out to be dishonorable, and not to mention, a hypocrite!"

Goemon got off the couch, and stood up tall. Jigen got up as well. "Hey, Goemon, what do you say we drop our little charade?" asked Jigen.

Goemon frowned. "Yes. Lupin, now that we have exposed your shortcomings, now we expose our own. We were never... together to begin with."

Lupin's jaw dropped. He choked. He wiped his tears away with his jacket sleeve. "You magnificent bastards. You read my book on acting! Man, even I have a hard time looking all flustered and blushing on cue like that."

Jigen coughed. Goemon's face reddened.

"Yeah, like that! How can you do that so convincingly? If I didn't hate you guys so much right now, I'd want lessons." Lupin scowled. "Back to the topic at hand. How can you say what I have with my Fuji-cakes is the same?! She's my true love! And I know you guys can take care of yourselves!"

"And she can not?" asked Goemon. "You say you want to depend on us. Can we not ask the same of you?"

"You know, Lupin, if you're really our friend, prove it!" Jigen yelled. "A friend would actually frickin' listen to us!"

"A true friend would understand our reasons for doing what we did. A true friend would forgive us." Goemon tightened his hold on his sword. "Speak, Lupin!"

"Yeah, or we abandon you for good!" shouted Jigen.

Lupin pouted. His eyes narrowed, and he leaned forward. "Yeah, and are you guys true friends, then? Are you saying you'd just go and play nice if you had been lying to each other for this long, just like you've lied to me? I bet we're all rotten here."

"We would forgive each other," Goemon and Jigen answered at the same time.

Lupin grinned his victory grin. "Prove it."

Goemon and Jigen were silent. Goemon looked down at the floor. Jigen looked like a deer caught in headlights.

Lupin smirked. "See? Told ya. Now let's get this episode of our lives back to status quo. Now, to help me steal the crown successfully, you guys have to—"

"I'm sorry, Jigen," Goemon said quietly. He kept his head bowed, and did not look right at Jigen. "I know without a doubt that you would support me through anything, but a coward such as I does not deserve your kindness in this situation, nor do I deserve..." he trailed off.

Jigen's fear instantly vanished, replaced by concern. He smiled unconvincingly. "Hey, man, no problem. I mean, the only way I could think of to prove it freaked me out, too."

Goemon stood up straight again, but his usual stoic expression was undermined by his mouth twitching slightly. "I am not worried about your reaction, nor do I care what Lupin thinks. It is only my own feelings that are causing my aversion." He turned away, and took a few steps toward the door. "Excuse me, Jigen... Lupin. I must leave for more training."

Lupin just stared at him, utterly lost. But Jigen rushed forward and grabbed Goemon's left hand. Jigen turned him back around, and reached over to put a hand on Goemon's shoulder. Jigen paused. He tentatively put an arm around him instead.

Goemon became more lost than Lupin. "Jigen, I don't understand. I thought you told me you don't mind me going off like this."

Jigen sighed. "I can't in my right mind let you go now without gettin' this off my chest first." He looked at Lupin. "And Lupin, I don't even care about this stupid argument with you anymore. Just run off and sulk like the kid you are while I talk this over with Goemon, all right?"

Lupin muttered something. He got up off the armchair, and walked out the door. He slammed it. But instead of leaving Jigen and Goemon alone, he tapped his feet a few times to imitate the sound of walking away, without really doing it. He grinned. He pulled a little ear-shaped microphone out of his jacket pocket. He slid it up against the door.

"Looks like he'll get over it in a few seconds." Jigen sighed. He turned all his attention back to Goemon. "Listen, since I know you aren't gonna be mad, you have to promise to buy me a drink later, okay?"

Goemon blinked. "That's fine."

The arm Jigen held around Goemon relaxed. Jigen tipped his hat up so Goemon could see his eyes. "Look, I'm sorry for keeping this from you for such a damn long time. I realized early on in this crazy act of ours that... I've been thinking of you as more than a friend for real. Now don't feel like you have to say anything. I'm not letting something like this get in the way of our friendship." He released Goemon. "I guess I don't know what the hell I'm saying. But I thought you should know that I'm there for you."

Goemon did not blush, but his face did seem to brighten. He gave Jigen a small, understanding smile. "Oh, Jigen, your thoughts are a reflection of my own! My mind was running in circles over the very same thing." Much to Jigen's surprise, Goemon embraced him. "Does this mean... I must now call you by your first name?" Goemon asked sheepishly.

Jigen smiled as well. Not a smirk or sarcastic grin, but a true smile. "I think the point is, we can call each other whatever the hell we want."

_Solemn jazz music plays, a sad song for a rainy day, the kind Ella Fitzgerald could sing. It is filled with held notes and longing tones._

JIGEN:

Solitaire used to be the only game I could play,

I'd sit on the couch all the livelong day,

and watch my regrets

drift around in the smoke from my crumpled cigarette...

_Suddenly, the music grows energetic, and more like swing. _

But those days are over,

now I don't have to act like my Magnum's my lover!

Every time I needed you, you ran to my side.

I can let go of all my fears and foolish pride.

Like a tornado, emotions spin through my heart.

Time for our shining new start!

I hated what I thought would happen after the fall,

so I locked up my heart, hid behind a wall.

But in that wall's shade, I memorized everything about you.

Now I finally realize what I feel is pure and true.

_ Goemon and Jigen take each other's hands, and gaze into each other's eyes. Their faces draw nearer and nearer._

GOEMON:

On the night of a lonesome blue moon,

I consulted the I-Ching for advice on my life.

I humbly asked if ever I'd have a gentle wife.

Now I'm no longer a rat in suffering's reckless race.

I know why the pictogram was of a laughing face!

I've been so remote, as cold as my blade,

of my emotions I was constantly afraid.

Though I preached right thought, right action,

you're the one who taught me the meaning of compassion.

BOTH:

It's funny how hard it was to see

that the one for me was there the whole time.

Now I thank those distant stars up above,

that I see it's you I'll always—

_ "Stop!" Lupin screeches like a mouse in a trap. He opens the door, the microphone crushed in his other hand. He points to them, his arm quivering. The music grinds to an untimely halt. _"You're saying you were faking your relationship the whole time, but then your feelings really did blossom into love, but you were too scared to do anything about that, but now you're not, and you're in a real relationship, because of what I did just now?"

"Uh... yeah," said Jigen.

"Pretty much," said Goemon. Neither he nor Jigen cared much about the interruption.

Lupin's face became completely expressionless, like a poorly-made mask. He walked back over to the armchair and sat down. He said nothing.

Jigen and Goemon stared at him for a few seconds, before turning back to each other. "So..." said Jigen, "what do we do now?"

Goemon thought it over. "I would like to go to one of the beaches. Since it's late, perhaps we can sit alone and stare at each other for a couple hours."

Jigen grinned. "Since when are you psychic?"

He and Goemon completely ignored Lupin, and left. On their way out, they shut the door quite lightly, to make a statement.

Lupin stared at the spot they had been standing. He talked to himself. "They only got together for real because of my plan. My plan. It was because of me. My plan. It was me. It was me. It was me. It was me..."

He repeated the phrase over and over to himself. He sat unmoving in the armchair, as if he could sink into the seat and never have to face reality again. He had no way of knowing that he was still mumbling the same words when someone knocked on the door. Lupin did not answer. The door creaked open, revealing Fujiko.

She gasped. "Lupin! You look horrible!"

Lupin looked at Fujiko, but only his eyes moved. Otherwise, he stayed completely still. "I feel worse."

Fujiko ran up to him. She reached out to touched him, but pulled her hand away at the last second. "What happened?"

"It turned out my ex-friends were really faking being a couple."

"Isn't that a good thing?"

Lupin made a fist, and slammed it down on the arm of the chair. "No! 'Cause then they confessed love for each other for real!"

"And... when did this all happen?" Fujiko tentatively asked.

"Just a few hours ago. Just a few hours ago, my life went down the drain." Lupin hung his head.

Fujiko patted Lupin on the back. "Don't despair yet! We can make them forget all about their love being requited! All we have to do is steal this Egyptian battery I found!"

"I can't."

"W-What?"

"I can't!" Lupin sobbed. "I'm a failure, I admit it. I know why my friends abandoned me! I'm a jerk and a loser—I said it!"

Fujiko backed away. She put her hand on the doorknob and turned it slowly. "Well... then I guess I'll take your racket. I'm the new world's greatest thief."

Lupin nodded.

"And I guess that means I'll have to share my newfound fortune with a rich old pig instead of you."

Lupin nodded again. He looked up sharply, cracking his neck. "Wait, what?!"

Fujiko put her hand on her hips. "Hmph. Now you listen. Anyway, I heard through the grapevine that these Egyptian djed pillars are on display in the Yaeyama Museum. Normally those batteries were used for healing, but according to mythology, these two special pillars are defective, and they actually harm the person that uses them, and makes them lose precisely one day of memory. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

Lupin shot up from the armchair. He fixed his jacket and tie. "I'm in!"


	8. Tricks and Traps (and Reprise)

Zenigata paced circles inside the museum, his footsteps making a clicking sound with each and every step. The custodians, security guards, and docents who were watching him felt themselves getting more and more nervous each time Zenigata turned around. But the other police officers were not surprised at all.

"Uh... is there something wrong, Inspector?" asked the boldest docent.

"Of course there's something wrong!" Zenigata snapped. "Lupin let himself get caught the other day, so that must have been a distraction for something big!"

"What if you just got lucky?"

Zenigata gnashed his teeth. "Lucky?! I'm never lucky! This is all about skill—the best officer versus the greatest thief! But this time, I'm prepared. Just watch me!"

_ With his words, a strange alternative rock song, an hideous hybrid of a showtune and a Barenaked Ladies's song, begins to play. Inspector Zenigata runs to the center of the room and starts daintily dancing around the display cases, careful not to touch them and set off an alarm._

ZENIGATA:

I know that they always say

I've made empty promises before.

But nobody knows, that I was sure

of what I said every time!

And I'll lie in wait

for him to walk in through the museum gate.

Cause this time, it'll be a snap

with all my tricks and traps!

Tricks and traps!

A cage under a trap door,

an itty-bitty piece of fall-away floor.

With sixty-two pairs of handcuffs and a master plan,

I've gotta catch Lupin!

_ The museum staff and Zenigata's group of the usual INTERPOL officers slide into the scene, behind him, to be his background vocalists._

BACKUP SINGERS:

Ooh, he's gonna catch that man!

ZENIGATA:

Odds are he's gonna run into one

in that web of laser lights,

or maybe Fujiko'll betray him again

at the end of the night.

BACKUP:

Tonight!

ZENIGATA:

Police alarms and robotic arms

or a slippery oil slick,

I know that he'll slip up one day

and fall for my traps and tricks.

_ The song switches to a minor key. Zenigata's dance slows, and the lights of the museum grow dim. A bright spotlight flashes on and shines on him instead, following his melancholy ballet moves. His backup singers run offstage._

ZENIGATA:

Still, sometimes I wish that I could live another life,

where I wouldn't chase him 'round all day, where we could go out for drinks...

A perfect world where Lupin wouldn't sin,

I wouldn't have to worry about which of us would win,

and I wouldn't have to go through all this misery and strife.

But there's one thing that stopping me from living in that day,

a reason why always we have to play the games we play...

It's my duty!

_ With his rousing shout, the lights turned back on and his singers scrambled to pose behind him in time. The tune became faster and bouncy again. _

ZENIGATA:

I'm a man with a plan

and this plan will not fail.

With these tricks and traps I'll finally

send Lupin to jail!

BACKUP:

Send Lupin... to jaaail!

_ Zenigata's song faded out, changing to a jaunty carnival tune instead. The music swelled as Lupin and Fujiko made their preparations outside the museum. They sing quietly, not wanting to blow their cover._

LUPIN AND FUJIKO:

Evading tricks and traps,

That's a cinch for me.

It's just what you get used to

when you're into thievery.

_ Lupin lifts up a grapple-gun. _

LUPIN:

There's nothing I'm more prepared for,

than a piece of fall-away floor,

a little trap door!

An itty-bitty rail gun,

to sling a bridge over that hole!

Oh, just a little pull. What fun!

_ Fujiko sings a verse, as she take out gadgets from her purse._

FUJIKO:

Acid lipstick for the handcuffs,

Our escape will be so tight.

Revealing powder from my compact

for the web of laser lights!

_ They hold up more and more strange devices as the songs continues._

LUPIN:

A super-magnet to disarm

an alarm and maybe even a robotic arm...

BOTH:  
And a giant sponge for an oil slick!

It's easy and breezy

to outsmart Pops, and his traps and tricks!

With that, Lupin picked up the grapple-gun again. He ran toward the museum entrance as Fujiko ran to the back of the building. Lupin stopped, aimed, and fired. He grinned as the recoil knocked him back. The bolt flew through the air, and shot through one of the museum windows. It shattered.

Immediately, a group of police officers ran out of the building. They saw Lupin, who waved at them. Lupin broke into a run, and the police chased after him.

Meanwhile, Zenigata also poked his head out of the museum, the staff behind him. He mumbled something.

"Shouldn't you chase him?!" the docent yelled.

Zenigata shook his head, frowning. "That was clearly some kind of distraction. I wouldn't be surprised if that wasn't Lupin, but an animatronic fake!" He turned to the display case. He breathed a sigh of relief when he saw the crown was still there.

Suddenly, a cleaning lady bumped into him. Her cleaning bucket tipped over, spilling dirty water all over Zenigata's shoes. "Oh, I'm so sorry!" she said.

"Uh, that's all right." Zenigata awkwardly looked down at his feet. He turned back to the display case. "Guard the crown at all costs!" he yelled to the museum staff. They complied, gathering around the crown.

Zenigata looked back at the cleaning lady. "Uh, you have a dry cloth here?"

"Yes," she said. She took a grey handkerchief out of her back pocket. "Here, let me..." She put her arm behind Zenigata's head, and shoved the cloth into his face. Zenigata struggled, but his limbs went weak. His eyes rolled back, and Fujiko lowered him to the floor.

"Chloroform's not my style, but it'll do," Fujiko said, in her normal voice. She waved her arms and called back to the staff. "Eeek! The inspector fainted dead away!"

When the staff ran back to Zenigata, Fujiko slipped away into the shadows. She sneaked to the back of the museum, to the pieces that were on loan. She ran to the Egyptian Battery's case. She smiled, her face reflected in the glass. She quickly glanced back to make sure nobody was watching her. She opened her purse, and took out the acid lipstick. She drew a circle on the glass, and watched it burn away. She reached inside and took out the djed pillars.

She held one pillar under each arm, and made a break for the back door. She reached it, opened it, and slipped out, just as Zenigata was coming to.

Zenigata sat up. "The crown! Where's the crown?!"

"Oh, it's still in it's case." A janitor pointed to the display.

"Good..." Zenigata sighed, immediately falling back asleep.

Fujiko had rendezvoused with Lupin behind the hospital. She got into his Fiat, and they drove back to the hideout. They were giggling and full of energy, even though they knew it was a long trip back. Even though it was the middle of the night, the landscape looked like it was aglow to the two of them.

"We'll have plenty of time to spare!" said Fujiko. She was sitting in the backseat, with the pillars next to her. "With our extra energy, do you think you could, I don't know, steal the crown with me?"

Lupin smiled, watching her in the rear-view mirror. "Well, I had some other ideas about what we'd be doing together, but since I'm such a nice guy, how could I refuse? Besides, how could I refrain from rewarding you after all you've done for me?"

Fujiko sat back in the seat. She looked out the window. "You know, Lupin, I still don't completely understand why what they did upset you so much."

"What do you mean? They're supposed to do nothing together, not do nothing... together..." he trailed off. "Huh. I wonder... maybe it wouldn't have been..."

"What, Lupin?" asked Fujiko.

Lupin shrugged a little. "Nothing. Let's go set them straight!"


	9. Lucky

Lupin and Fujiko burst into the hideout, with big smiles. They were holding the Egyptian battery as if it were a gift from the heavens. "Jigen, Goemon!" he shouted. "Boy, do I have a surprise for you!"

Jigen and Goemon were relaxing on the couch. Jigen's eyes went wide when Lupin and Fujiko ran inside, but Goemon looked as stoic as ever. He opened one eye. "Lupin, what is that you're carrying?" he asked.

Lupin coughed. He straightened up, and looked at his friends with big, sad-puppy eyes. "Only an apology gift." He sniffled. "I was so upset for snapping at you two, I even convinced Fujiko to help me get it."

Fujiko nodded solemnly. Behind her back, she was holding the wires that were attached to the battery.

Jigen leaned forward. "Yeah? And what the hell is this?"

"It's an Egyptian artifact," said Fujiko. "The ancient Egyptians used this kind of battery for healing purposes."

"Right. It's only appropriate for healing our friendship." Lupin stepped forward. He bowed slightly, and held out the pillars.

Jigen and Goemon inspected the battery. They turned to each other and Goemon leaned in close to Jigen, whispering something. Jigen nodded in response.

Jigen looked back to Lupin. "Okay, Lupin, we'll accept this stupid thing." He took one pillar, and Goemon took the other. "Now what?" asked Jigen.

Lupin stepped away from them. He grinned and gestured to Fujiko. Fujiko smiled sweetly and pressed the contacts together. Electricity shot through the wires and surged through the pillars. Jigen and Goemon spasmed and dropped the pillars. The battery rolled across the floor as Goemon and Jigen collapsed onto the couch. Their bodies twitched a bit.

"Yes!" Lupin jumped for joy. He grabbed Fujiko and gave her a big kiss. "I'll get you all the crowns in the world, baby!"

"Mmm..." Fujiko looked up at him, a dreamy look in her eyes. "I know you will, lover." She teasingly pushed Lupin away. "But shouldn't we check up on our dear friends?"

Lupin nodded. He walked over to Jigen and Goemon, and saw they weren't twitching anymore. He leaned down. "Hey, you! Sleepyheads! Wake up already!" he screamed.

Jigen and Goemon slowly sat up. They looked groggy, and were rubbing their heads. "Lupin... what happened?" asked Goemon.

Lupin pointed to the pillars on the floor. "Well, I let you guys know I knew you were faking all along, and we all made up. Then the four of us were on a heist together, stealing this memory-erasing battery, but then you guys just couldn't resist playing around with it. And I warned you! Tsk, tsk. Long story short, you two got zapped, and Fuji-cakes and I were kind enough to bring you back here for some rest."

Jigen scowled. "Oh yeah? I bet this was really Fujiko's fault. I can just feel it."

Fujiko crossed her arms. "You're just saying that because you're jealous. You don't have a lover of your own," she cooed.

"My Magnum is my lover."

"And what's your opinion, Goemon?" Lupin smirked. "Don't you want someone of your very own?"

Goemon made a low sound. "My lifestyle allows me no time for such things."

To Lupin, the room seemed to brighten. The whole scene looked serene to him, like it was out of some chintzy coffee commercial. "Why don't you guys get you rest." He was teary-eyed. "I have a date with the crown of Yonaguni, and then a date with my Fujiko."

Goemon looked away. "We can not stop you."

"Thanks, Goe—I mean, you're just jealous! See ya!" Lupin and Fujiko stomped out of the hideout, feigning annoyance. But as soon as they got into the car, they laughed.

"Everything's right in the world." Lupin started the car, and drove off into the night.

_A jazzy little pop song begins playing. It sounds like a cute love song._

LUPIN:

I ain't got any worries, and  
she's taking all the money,  
but luck crawled back my way even though it was slow.  
When I used those pillars,  
their luck disappeared.  
They'll never even know they cared.

I've got my Kings and Aces  
and I'm winnin' at the races.  
Since they're unlucky,  
they'll both run back to me,  
so, baby, I'll keep flyin',  
as my passion's burnin',  
till the day you marry me.

Lucky, they can't be lucky in love.  
All their fortune tellin' can't do 'em no good.  
Funny, 'cause just when I felt unlucky,  
Fuji-cakes was there for me.  
There for me...

_ A short solo plays before the next verse._

Got their icy hearts to offer  
but their romance is over.  
All they're gonna do is sing the blues.  
But Fujiko, I'm with you,  
so I know what I'll do.  
So hopelessly in love with you.

I've got my Kings and Aces  
and I'm winnin' at the races.  
Since they're so unlucky,  
they'll both run back to me,  
so, baby, I'll keep flyin',  
as my passion's burnin',  
till the day you marry me.

Lucky, they can't be lucky in love,  
all their fortune tellin' can't do 'em no good.  
Funny, 'cause just when I felt unlucky,  
baby, you were there for me.  
There for me...

_ Glancing at Fujiko one last time, Lupin puts pedal to the metal and races away into the night. The stars twinkle up above, and a green band over the horizon shows that morning is just around the corner._


	10. It's All About Me, Time to Rap it All Up

In the hideout, Jigen and Goemon were still sitting. Goemon tapped Zantetsuken to a slow rhythm, while he listened intently to the ringing of the metal.

Jigen took a deep drag of his bent cigarette. "Too bad Lupin didn't learn anything. Typical."

"Do you think he saw through us?" asked Goemon. He turned his attention to a different area of the blade.

"Nah. I think we did a good job acting like everything was status quo." Jigen snuffed out his cigarette butt. "I can't believe he thought we were dumb enough to fall for the Egyptian battery trick. How stupid does he think we are?"

"Indeed. That artifact was buzzing with dark energy. I didn't even need to check for the shadow of death on my sword to know that."

"Dark energy?" Jigen folded his arms behind his head, and lay down. "You mean buzzing with electricity?"

Goemon nodded. "That as well."

Eventually, Goemon grew tried of watching the light play on Zantetsuken, and he sheathed it. It closed with a click. Goemon straightened his back to meditate. He and Jigen were too tired to go back to sleep, so they just listened to each other breathing.

"So... now that we're together, what happens next? Will we have to wait till Lupin retires to really do anything? I mean, I know it'll be a sad day for comedy and all, but..." Jigen mumbled.

"Nothing happens next," said Goemon. He closed his eyes. "This is it."

"Perfect. I'm on the edge of my seat."

They both laughed. But before long, realization sank in, and their laughter soon died.

"There's no way in hell we can keep this a secret, is there." It wasn't a question. Jigen sat up, his hands clenched tightly into fists.

Goemon looked at his sword. "Well... actually, I think we should just tell him as soon as possible. Once Lupin knows what we are to each other, we can beat the acceptance we desire into his thick skull."

"Good point." Jigen smirked. "Damn, no wonder why I love you."

Before Goemon could puzzle out the way to respond to that, footsteps came from outside. Jigen and Goemon gripped their respective weapons. The door to the hideout swung open, revealing Lupin, who had Fujiko on his arm. Fujiko had on a small, golden crown that was encrusted with sparkling jewels—the crown of Yonaguni.

"Hey guys, you look well! Uptight as ever." Lupin grinned. "What're you still doing up at this hour?"

"I mean, Lupin and I certainly have a good reason for being up so late," said Fujiko. "We thought you two might be a bit shaken up after your little mishap with the ancient battery, so we stole the crown all by ourselves."

Jigen sighed. "It's already time to get this over with, huh?" he said to himself. He pushed his hat down slightly, and got ready to draw his Magnum. "Hey, Lupin, did you really think we'd fall for that stupid-ass trick of yours? Goemon knows all about polarity and stuff from his meditation."

"Right. I can even do polarity-shifting Chi Gung. Anyway, even if we had fallen for your trick," said Goemon, "it's not as if you could just erase our feelings. Everything would simply repeat. You know you can not win!"

Lupin gave them a blank stare. Fujiko released his arm, and stepped back. She covered her ears, ready for Lupin to give a screaming fit.

But instead of ranting, Lupin just smirked. He put his hands on his hips. "Please. I'm completely over this little... nothing... of yours."

Jigen and Goemon were gobsmacked. They didn't say anything. Fujiko just smiled at Lupin, realization dawning on her.

_"Maybe I should explain," Lupin says. He clears his throat. A triumphant showtune plays in the background. It sounds vaguely pop-inspired. It starts off slowly._

LUPIN:

I don't mind if you're together.

You guys go off and have your fun.

'Cause I know planets don't go 'round each other,

they revolve around the sun...

FUJIKO:

The bright, bright, bright, sun...

_The tune swells, and Lupin leaps into the air. He lands right in front of his friends, and points to them. He sings with pride. Fujiko continues to sing backup._

LUPIN:

Yeah, I'm giving you this one!

I'm being real generous,

'cause you two are so piteous.

It's sad how you're deluding yourselves.

You wouldn't even have met without me!

FUJIKO:  
Yeah, uh-huh, all right.

LUPIN:

It's all about me!

FUJIKO:  
It's all about him!

LUPIN:

It's all about me, yeah.

I never should have had a doubt.

Now I see things the way they are.

I'm the man with the biggest clout!

You two'll never stray, not far,

because it's all about me!

_ Fujiko glances at him, and Lupin nods at her. She sings the lead-in to the next verse._

FUJIKO:  
It's all about him!

He knows you're only lonely.

You settled for each other on a whim.

And when this all breaks down,

don't worry. Lupin will be around,

because...

LUPIN:  
It's all about me!

I know you're hanging by a thread.

But when that thread snaps,

and your romance is dead,

I'll still be the unchanging rock

in the stormy sea.

For now, enjoy yourselves,

because your lives are actually...

all about me!

_With immense difficulty, Jigen and Goemon try to process Lupin's words. When they realize that Lupin really believes what he's saying, Goemon sings a verse._

GOEMON:

I can't believe what you're saying,

It's completely egotistical!

Aren't you just rationalizing?

LUPIN:

It's okay if you think I'm critical,

'cause I'm letting you do everything.

I know it's hard to grasp my power,

I'm the man of eternity, not of the hour!

You and Jigen can keep your memory.

In the end it's all about me!

JIGEN:

Oh, come on. You really are a crazy monkey!

You're a mad clown, a pierrot!

LUPIN:

Don't be like that.

I'm the romantic, modern hero.

I get you, man, I don't mind if you're a brat.

If you're still with Goemon tomorrow,

I'll sit back and watch the show.

Your silly love entertains me so!

You go and run from reality.

Because I know it's all about me!

_As Lupin sings, Goemon shakes with barely-suppressed rage, his urge to kill swiftly rising._

LUPIN:

Go on, keep fooling yourselves.

Fujiko helped me to see,

life's still full of glee, perfectly,

oh, it's no mystery,

no matter what, it'll forever be,

all about—

_ The music stops abruptly. Goemon can't take it anymore. He draws Zantetsuken in a flash, and lets out a battle cry. Lupin shrieks. Just as Goemon touches Lupin's hair with the sword, Jigen pulls Goemon back. _

"Wait!" Jigen yelled. "Don't you get it? This is perfect!"

Goemon could have easily broken out of Jigen's grip, but he didn't want to hurt him. "What do you mean, perfect?! Lupin has insulted us!"

"But if he stays like this," Jigen said, gently, "we can do whatever we want, and he'll stay out of it. It's not acceptance, but I think it's about as close as we'll get him without forcing a lobotomy on him." Jigen released Goemon.

Goemon reluctantly put Zantetsuken back in its sheath. "I think that's the definition of cold comfort."

After getting over the shock of almost being sliced-up like sushi, Lupin grinned. "Aw, now who's rationalizing?"

Jigen and Goemon took deep breaths. "How much will the crown sell for?" asked Jigen.

"Oh, I'm giving it to Fuji-cakes as an early birthday gift. Isn't that right, baby?" He smiled at Fujiko.

Fujiko gasped in exaggerated delight. "Lupin! How sweet!" She adjusted the crown, which was still on her head.

Jigen and Goemon watched the scene play out. They chuckled.

Lupin turned his head sharply toward them. "Er, what?"  
"Uh, I mean... Lupin, you know Fujiko is gonna betray us!" Jigen said, hastily.

Goemon coughed. "Right. This has gone on for far too long." He and Jigen sat back down on the couch, grave expressions on their faces.

Lupin smiled. "That's better."

THE END

"Stop the presses!" The door to the hideout swung open. Zenigata stormed into the room. "Hah, that crown's a fake! I stuck a tracking device on it, and now I've g—"

Lupin put his hands in his pockets. "Sorry, Pops, but the musical's over already. Better luck next time."

Zenigata groaned dejectedly. "What? But I only got one song..."

"Hey, you're still better off than than he is." Lupin pointed to Jigen. "I mean, think of his low standards. He settled for a guy! And not just any guy, but a guy who can use the phrase, 'polarity-shifting Chi Gung' seriously!"

"Don't knock it till you try it," mumbled Goemon.

"And I'm not settling, you big jerk!" yelled Jigen. "You're the one who's delusional!"

"Oh yeah?!" Lupin yelled back. "I'm gonna—"

"Great, a big, stressful fight. Exactly what we need at the end of our story." Fujiko sighed. "Aren't musicals supposed to have some sort of big song at the end, or something?"

"Yeah! Hey, whoever's been playing the backing tracks this whole time, play a finale! I want to sing again," said Zenigata.

TIME TO RAP IT ALL UP

_The backing track of a nineties rap song plays. It sound a bit like a sample of something Brand Nubian would rap over._

LUPIN:

It's too bad my friends aren't really gay.

Then they wouldn't come crying to me

just because their babes always stray.

And what was up with this episode's ending anyway?

Why couldn't she pick a way for them to stay?

Good thing this wishy-washy author isn't gettin' any pay!

FUJIKO:

I agree completely, baby.

Why did this whole thing

have to be about their cutesy old gay fling?

I barely even got to sing!

And we didn't steal any jewel, any bling, anything that shimmers,

just to see a glimmer of how you're not a tool.

Oh, we're no common fools!

ZENIGATA:

Oh, so you think you didn't get enough time to sing?

Didn't you see how I was barely in this thing?!

The girl who wrote this'd better go back to school!

I'd order a truant officer after her, but I'm too cool

for yelling 'bout who's better than who.

W-Wait, Lupin, I'll arrest you!

LUPIN:

Sorry, Pops, but I'm outta this scene,

everybody's got their problems if you know what I mean.

I'll tell just ya all that I can glean,

you look meaner than my jacket is... pink.

Okay, that lyric wasn't a perfect ten.

Hey, can somebody pick up my slack?

Fujiko? No? Uh... help, Jigen!

JIGEN:  
What's that? You want me to kick your verse?

Fine, whatever, but don't go blaming me if I'm terse.

I can still outdo you in few words.

That's right, I'll prove you're worse.

I'm only frickin' here 'cause I wanted to subvert

my other romances, where my heart's ground into the dirt.

But the sappy shit in this episode is a real goddamn bore

that I don't adore, but at least I'm not paired up with some wh—

GOEMON:

Hoarse is what my throat has been feelin',

singing's so much harder than chantin',

piling these rhymes up to the ceilin'...

You know, eventually it gets real unappealin'.

Yeah, gallivantin', runnin' 'round the world,

till the point I don't mind watchin' a silly little love story unfurl.

At least we got to see Lupin ranting.

Yeah, uh, his whole worldview was slantin'!

EVERBODY ELSE:

Damn! Your rhymes are enchantin'!

GOEMON:

Is that so? Ahem, you're making me blush.

I think it's about time we all just hush.

LUPIN:

Well, I'll admit this musical I won't miss,

but I don't wanna be labeled a hater.

Now I'll blow all the ladies a kiss

and say, "catch ya later!"


End file.
